Adopting the European style of Quality vs Quantity

Do you feel like your life is spinning out of control and you are being buried under stuff with an unmanageable schedule that has you running from dawn until midnight?   STOP, and re-evaluate.  This is no way to live. Yes, we are fortunate to live in a society where we can have anything all the time, but too many choices create a different problem.  Too much, too many and too often becomes what we don’t want.

Less is more.  Less means doing less meaningless tasks and focusing more on things of greater personal importance.  Focus on being productive, not busy.  Busyness is a trick of the ego that makes you feel important but holds no real value.  Judge a successful day by results, not time spent.

When I first year I lived in Italy, I was so impressed that people seemed to have all the time in the world to chat with a customer or say hello to a friend they met in the street.  No one was rushing around, tapping their foot in aggravation or shouting into a blue tooth while walking down the street.  I quickly learned the “one thing a day rule.” Getting one thing accomplished a day was enough. So choose what will improve the quality of your life and enjoy the process of doing it. Let all the other things fall away as unimportant.

For example, the evening meal IS the event.  It is not something we quickly get through to go on to do something else.  There is nothing else to do.  Without TV or going out to an evening meeting or errand, we enjoy a leisure meal, letting the food digest before we decide if we should have another serving.  We put something on our plate and enjoy it, really tasting the flavors. We eat lunch and dinner together, sitting at the table with a table cloth and wine.  At first, I was scolded for jumping up to quickly and clearing the plates. Where was I going in such a rush?

In Italy, we enjoy amazing food because we follow the rhythm of the seasons.  In summer, we have beautiful fresh vegetables from the garden, eagerly waiting for the first zucchini and beans and eat them all summer long until we don’t want to see another tomato or eggplant.  By fall, we are ready for the next season’s food, such a polenta or squash.  In winter, we start each meal with hot steaming broth with tiny bits of pasta and finish with different types of cheese. But come spring, we are out preparing the garden again.  We don’t eat foreign grown foods or have much ethnic cuisine. We shop everyday and have small mini refrigerators. Quality and freshness are more important than quantity and exoticness.

Same goes with clothing.  Europeans don’t have huge wardrobes, just a few pieces of expensive, high quality clothing that are stylish and in fashion and they wear them all the time, then when the new season comes, they add just a few pieces.  We wear linen in the summers to stay cool and classic cashmere or wool in winters. A typical closet is a wooden armoire- a piece of furniture, not a walk in closet.  Less quantity and higher quality.

Europeans are not always upgrading and remodeling.  My bedroom furniture is over 100 years old and our household linens and bedspreads are the same ones for over 50 years.  We are not constantly replacing for a new color scheme or tread. We have one set of dishes, not a bunch of mismatched plastic junk. We don’t buy something because it is cheap; we buy high quality because we need something. Of course, we replace what is broken or worn out, but quality things last.

Learning to ignore products, trends, events and technology will dramatically change your life. Most material wants are justifications for spending time on things that don’t matter. Creating simplicity requires constant pruning of useless actions and requires making hard decisions about which activities really serve you. Extra physical space creates extra mental space.  To be free, happy and living a meaningful life, you must stop doing many common but overestimated things.  Focus all your attention on this.

I challenge you to adopt the European lifestyle of quality vs. quantity and downsize your stuff and schedule, while creating a lifestyle that gives you time and freedom to choose how to spend your precious days.

After five months of being in the USA, and 40 days apart from Giuseppe, it is time to return to him, my beloved Tuscany and my Italian family.  I have been in no hurry to return there, as spring can be cool with a chill-to-the-bone dampness. We spend all our time together especially touring the country to promote the wine and my book.  Three months on the road in close quarters and working side by side made me ready for a little time apart.  I stayed in Orlando, where my friends are, where I soaked up day after day of blue skies and sunshine and where I scooted around on my Vespa, grinning from ear to ear.

As the day to my homecoming nears, I am feeling an eager anticipation.  Distance really does make the hear grow fonder.  It’s a sign. A sign that my heart is still open and ready to give and receive love. And that Giuseppe is the one and we have survived another one of life’s transitions.  I drew a line in some silly shifting sand and let my ego run the show.  Not all life lessons are deal breakers, so why make them one.  We both learned something. His accent and use of English helps soften my heart and gives him a huge “hall pass” and still puts a smile on my face, like the time he sent me a photo just after he cut his hair with a caption of “look how much cute I am.”  What is not to love?  I am going home because I want to be there. I try to remember our house and view from the porch and my many walks down the country lane.  And I try to remember Giuseppe- his scent, the curves of his body and the taste of his kisses.

Stepping off the plane in Rome, I am shocked at the temperature.  Warm and sunny, hot actually!  What was the big deal?  I should have come back weeks ago. Why did I wait so long? I turn on my old Italian cell phone, call home and let them know I have arrived safely and aboard an evening train headed for Montevarchi.

Carla, Giuseppe’s Mom, and Fausto, Dad, have waited up to greet me but it is late so say our goodnights. Giuseppe and I lay in each other’s arms.  I have forgotten how much I adore him.  How much he makes me giggle and the tenderness in his gaze. I have also forgotten what is like to snuggle up close and drift off to sleep in the comfort of a man’s strength. It is like being together for the first time, which is six years ago to the day that we first met.  I had been in Italy for just 10 days that summer when I made my first trip to the winery not knowing how that day would change the rest of my life.

It’s almost noon when I rise from the darkness and first pull up the shutters in my bedroom to see green!  Green is everywhere, the birds are chirping and a wonderful sweet aroma fills the warm air.  I’m home! And it’s better than I remembered it. Giuseppe has been up for hours doing his morning chores.  He snuck out quietly letting me sleep.  The six-hour time change and flying all night always gets me upside down. One good 12-16 hour rest sets the world straight.

I make a cappuccino and sit on the front steps and take in the view.  Sadly, there is no Benny to gently nudge me until I go fetch him a crust of bread.  Our family beagle died of old age while we were gone this past winter. The grass in the lawn is green and tall.  It’s my job to mow and I can’t wait to make everything perfect again.  A new pine tree has been planted and Carla has already brought the lawn furniture out from its winter storage place.  She has gone into town to buy fresh bread as she does everyday, so I decide to throw on some work clothes and get busy mowing before she returns.

We live in the house with Giuseppe’s parent who lived here with Fausto’s parents.  Grandpa Giuseppe and his wife Rosa moved here from Lake Como area when Fausto was 17.  He and Carla married when they were 27 years old and Carla moved in from her childhood home just a mile or so down the road.  This is where we will remain.  There is no upgrading to a better neighborhood or bigger house.  It belongs to our family and this gives me great comfort. Some people find it strange that we live with Giuseppe’s parents but I think we’ve hit the jackpot.  There are four sets of hands to do the work.  Everyone contributes his or her part without overlap.  How wonderful it is to have another woman in the house to help take care of things.  It is a different mentality than how I grew up.  My house- my rules so when you are 18 years old, go and make your own.  Here, because we know we will live together forever, I think we are much more tolerant with each other. Or perhaps, my ignorance is bliss!

After a quick shower, I prepare the table as we do for both lunch and dinner.  We dine as a family with a tablecloth, wonderful homemade food, much from our garden, fresh bread and of course, wine.  After the meal, we linger for about and hour, enjoying each others company and letting our food digest before taking a nap and returning to work about 3 or 4pm.  What is not to love about this rhythm to the day with it’s high and low of energy and work/rest?  In the states, we rise in the morning, charge up for the day, stay full-on until 7pm, then eat dinner, drink wine and crash on couch, full and in food coma, barely moving for the rest of the night. Even though I know how to live a different rhythm, I too, find myself falling into this pattern when I am in the states. The need to be productive all the time just takes over.  Taking a day not to leave the house is practically impossible.

As we watch the TV news, I am reminded that not all is well in paradise and the political climate in Italy has changed.  Taxes on primary residences are being levied for the first time and patriarchs are taking their own lives out of shame because they cannot pay.  The homes of civil servants assigned to the task of collecting these taxes are being bombed or pelted with stones and garbage.  They quickly resign.  They are members of the their community, friends and neighbors to the towns people and no one is in favor of these new rules when the headline scream of government officials misuse of funds.  I have always admired the Italians for their defiance.  What happens when you can’t get the masses behind the government? What happens when people refuse to pay and march in the street in protest?  To me, as an American, I feel passive.  I shake my head, grumble about it for a moment and then go on my way.  The Internet has made it easier to spread awareness, sign a petition and put my two cents in. But that’s all.  Here there is a feeling of compassion for another’s plight rather than competition.

My favorite and least favorite part about living in Tuscany is the isolation.  I loved not knowing what was going on.  The language barrier kept me isolated from watching TV or understanding the news.  I was so busy exploring that I didn’t have time to miss much.  Later, I yearned to know the intricacies of the language so I could really understand the stories that the old men told while sitting in the piazzas.

But today, I sit under the big tree in our front yard at an old table made from a hollowed out tree trunk and sip the amazing wine made by my beloved.  He learned at the hands of his father, who learned at the hands of his father.  I love when they push away talk of expanding the business, knowing full well, that one cannot put this much care and thought into wine made in mass production.  The love can literally be savored in every sip.  The warm summer sun shines down, the barn swallows swoop in and out- busy with nest making as I sit and gaze out over the long perfectly manicured rows of vines.

This is what I remember.  This is what I love, this nothingness.  There is nothing to do, nowhere to go.  Only to live in the moment, enjoy each breathe, each kiss, and each sip of wine.

I found love again later in life, after 2 marriages and the sudden death of my fiancé….inItaly.  I wasn’t looking for love. I went there to recover and rejuvenate alone, even though I didn’t speak the language or know anyone. There I saw the world through new eyes of wonder and joy. In my old life, I was always rushing and there was no time for “chance encounter.”  I was relaxed and open the day I went to a winery as tourist and met Giuseppe, hand third generation wine maker and fell in love.  Now I live in Tuscanyand have a life much more full and wonderful than I ever dreamed. My world really opened up for me when I stopped trying to control everything and just said yes.  Yes to swimming in chilly, but crystal clear water to snorkel and see awesome sea life, yes to riding on the back of a Vespa through the winding hills of Chianti catching amazing views of the vineyards and yes to making love with the lights on even though he is 13 years younger than me!

Here are my tips for finding love later in life:

Be light, carefree, relaxed and approachable

Talk to everyone- Start a conversation, give a compliment or ask a question.  Do you like being a florist? I always thought it would be a great job.

Hang out at a coffee shop or other high traffic place ALONE.  It is much more intimidating for someone to walk up to a table of 2 or 3 than a person sitting alone.

Change your surroundings and routine – go to different places where “nice people” hang out. Golf course restaurants or high end steak houses are a great place to meet men.

Eat at the bar alone- Go at high traffic time and sit next to someone that looks interesting.  You will always have the bartender to talk too! Men usually do this more than women. If it’s hard for you, just order something that will arrive quickly.  You can always say you were supposed to meet some, but they just cancelled.

Do what you enjoy- you will be surrounded by those with your same interests like cycling clubs, marathon training groups, bowling teams, gardening clubs or other civic organizations.

Turn off the TV and be in public – Mr or Ms right is not going to knock on your door and ask to plop down on the couch with you.

Don’t Box yourself in to a certain type of person-   It’s all about energy level and compatibilities, not age, income or parenting skill.  Think more about activities and having fun than commitment and the future.

How to Say “IT”- I am single at the moment, but open to finding someone new.  Don’t go into divorce, death or other gloom and doom stories. I am single at the moment is enough information.

Tell others you are looking.  People are natural helpers and they may know someone perfect for you.

Get a business card if you don’t have one.  Your name, phone and email. The printers have tons of ways to personalize them.  Give it to someone you meet and say, Call me if you would like to get a coffee sometime, then walk away gracefully.  No one is put on the spot. And when they call you, say, I am so glad to hear from you, even if you can’t remember them right away!

Meet someone for coffee.  It’s simple and short if they end up being a dud.  Practice on everyone, using your “interviewing skills.”  Have some probing questions to get them talking about their interests.  My favorite one are: what do you do for fun, where did you go on your last vacation or what’s on your bucket list?

Don’t worry about weirdos or stalkers.  99 % of the world is wonderful people just like you.  With email and cell phones, it’s easy to block someone from contacting you.